I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
