I think I died a long time ago.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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