i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
