dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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