last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
nutella sex= disaster
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
