I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
