I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he fucked my hip out of place.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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