I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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