thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I could make wine with my vomit
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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