A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
