In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
