Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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