Fine. I'll sleep in my office
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize