she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
