too bad you live with your parents still
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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