made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
