dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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