It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
