Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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