Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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