Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
