Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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