Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
