so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
