Going to get a "plan B"urrito
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
