tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
