I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
