I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
