OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize