well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
