The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize