i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
