i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize