can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ugly people sure do ruin things
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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