I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Im part way to drunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
