If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
