Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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