I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize