I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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