Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
