your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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