there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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