i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize