Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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