He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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