I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
