Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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