I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
