i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
