3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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