If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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