At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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