God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
