Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
