now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
