Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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