you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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