I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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