What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
