His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
