last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
