how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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